It’s Coming Out Day 2024! (spoiler: I didn’t come out)
Written by: Shannon
Word count: 1150
Reading time: 5 mins
October 11th is National Coming Out Day and AUREA has written some great advice on coming out for aros, perfect reading for this or any other day of the year, as well as some affirming coming out stories to visit or revisit!
This year, I want to talk about not coming out.
In AUREA’s 2020 Aro Census, less than 13% of respondents shared they were fully or mostly out about their identity. 72% were out to a few or some people, and nearly 15% were out to no one. Reasons for coming out were mostly wanting others to understand an important aspect of their identity. Reasons for not coming out were largely fear of being invalidated, rejected, or discriminated against. The good news is, for those that had come out, the majority said that the reaction was positive most or all of the time.
(Psst.. stay tuned for updates from AUREA’s 2023 census!)
As an aro, I’m used to feeling like I exist on the outskirts of things. A landmark like Coming Out Day for someone who is not fully out evokes more ways that I (still) don’t fit in. Am I allowed to even participate? How? If you’re feeling this way too, here is where I arrived with that.
First off, I think it’s 100% okay to put your own self-acceptance first, even if that journey takes longer than expected and looks different from those of other aros. Maybe you’ll never feel compelled to raise the green flag. And that’s alright.
Personally, I fall in that popular response category of “out to a few – some” (okay, two). But I fall into a lesser nominated reasoning category: I don’t really see the point. I’m in my mid-40s. I feel like my family basically knows I’m aromantic by now without having the language for it. They stopped inquiring about my “love life” – it took 40 years - but they seem to have quietly accepted it. My friend circle diminished a lot over the decades, most paired off and disappeared into raising families, but I think those I stay in touch with get it too.
Now, I don’t necessarily advocate for metaphorically standing still while being pelted with dodge balls until all the other players get bored and leave you alone. It’s the long, slow route. But it’s just how it went for me. At this point, it’s not any big secret - but I’m not raising any flags either.
The two people I have come out to were because of situations where I felt a need to explain myself (one was an ex, the other was someone who confessed they were interested in me). I wish I had done it for me, but reflecting on it, I think it was more for them, in a “it’s not you, it’s me” kinda way. While no one should feel like they have to disclose their aromantic status to explain why they are not interested in a relationship, sharing that I am aro was helpful. It also came with the baggage of having to explain a new term and nervousness that the reaction would be unsupportive. I’m not alone in those hesitancies - in PRIDEnet’s community listening sessions with aromantic people earlier this year, several participants talked about the emotional labor of having to explain their identity and risk being discredited or disbelieved when coming out.
There are plenty of other reasons to come out - but none quite fit me. Being in a relationship or seeking one, needing/wanting to set boundaries with family or friends, and being passionate about advocacy are all reasons aros choose to come out. For me, Coming Out Day 2024 will probably come and go as just another day.
But the thing is, I really do think it is important to get our identity terms out more broadly.
It was a big moment for me when I first heard the word amatonormativity. I was a 41-year-old bartender trying to pull myself out of the service industry and into a reliable day job, and for a couple years I juggled both gigs. One night my bar regulars asked me how the new job was going and I started spouting off about how time-off works:
“It’s like – you know, only so many people in a job can take time off at once. And there are certain times of the year that feel off-limits to even ask for time off for me, because they are big family vacation times, and four other people already have tickets to DisneyLand or their annual trip to the family lake house coming up. It’s like this unspoken thing that they come first.”
From the corner of the bar my youngest reg, bright pink hair, barely 21 announced: “it’s called amatonormativity”.
I was blown away.
“What did you just call it?! I love you Gen Z! Thank you for sharing that someone named this!” I hope I paid for their drink.
My generation doesn’t talk about this much. It made me feel less alone to hear that. I shared it with others. Although amatonormativity is not specific to aros, it was a starting point for me. So, you see, I understand how important it is to extend the reach of language terms to help validate others’ experiences.
For me, I’ve been thinking about it. And I made a plan. I think the key to my coming out might be the kids.
I spend some time with kids in my extended family. They are young and fully entrenched in amatonormative indoctrination - and I stick out. They can tell I’m different. My nephews are very curious about me and have been since they were really little: how come I’m not married, when am I going to have babies... one of them asked me once: “Have you ever been in love? Like… TRUE LOVE?”
“True love? Where did you get that..?” What even is that??
I see a lot of aros online focused on their relationships with their parents and their peers. And I get it. Continued pressure from them, matched with the inability to wrap minds around aromanticism is… frustrating, painful, exhausting, annoying all come to mind. But what about the kids? With the kids there’s hope. They are still figuring the world out. They are being indoctrinated - but they aren’t fully there yet. With kids, I do see the point.
I have not come out yet to my nephews, but I already know I will. When the moment is right. When they ask me again (and ideally when the rest of my family isn’t around). They are not going to accept anything less. And they will, no doubt, share it with others. For one because they love to talk, and for another, it will just be a newly acquired fact to them.
Aunt Shannon is aromantic. Go tell Gen Alpha.
Then maybe someday they can fill me in on what “true love” is.