What advice would you give your younger self?
A few months ago we asked you to answer some questions for a video interview project in collaboration with Queerious Minds. The video Aromanticism Explored! - starring our secretary Alex - went wonderfully. The questions we asked didn’t make the final cut, but your responses are too good to hide away. Here’s some advice aros would give themselves.
Word count: 2800 words
Estimated reading time: approx. 14 mins
learn to let people down, you don't owe anyone anything
Possum
Don’t get too caught up in trying to find the perfect set of labels to explain to people how you’re wired/how you operate. There will be too many labels that match because you are too inconsistent and contradictory. That’s okay.
Anon
bitch you are aro ace
Charlotte
Don't pressure yourself to get into relationships
Eugy
Carry on ignoring Valentine's Day, it's not worth the stress.
Riko
I would advise my past self to understand that being romance-repulsed and sex-repulsed is not immature and that I can be supportive of others without feeling like there is something wrong with me because I dont want it to.
Pawn
Be more assured in your feelings and don’t do things because you feel an obligation to anyone. But mostly be confident in any connections you feel with an identity and pay attention to what makes you uncomfortable
Percy
Its okay to be uncomfortable with romance
Neon
Stop worrying about being normal. No one is normal, because normal doesn’t exist. You are special, wonderful, and will be loved by the right people, so love yourself too.
NeeNee
Nothing. My main issue is self-hatred because I'm aro and I don't want to be. I want to feel romantic attraction and I hate myself that I'm not. I've struggled with this both then and now.
Anon
id tell myself in middle school that its okay to not date, that it doesn’t make you weird or anything for not wanting to be in a relationship. id go back to me in freshman hear and tell him that yes, actually you are aromatic. just to tell myself to be more open and maybe give some resources to a younger me.
Max
To not pressure myself into trying to have crushes and just live the way I want not worrying about romance.
Anon
Oh, sweetheart, it's okay. You're not broken, you're not unfeeling, you don't have anything missing from you. It's okay to feel exactly the way that you do right now, that doesn't make you a bad person. You've spent a long time distancing yourself from your emotions - you feel them stronger than you think, you just don't recognize them yet. And even if you didn't, that would be okay too. You, personally, are allowed to be queer - you're allowed to research identities, you're allowed to try on labels to see what fits, you're allowed to experiment or not experiment as you please. There are people like you out there to find; you're not alone in this. You can find what fits, and you can visualize your future however you want it - it doesn't matter what you "should" want, just think about what you do want. Also, tell people when you're ready and not a moment before. I think the biggest thing is that my younger self needs a hug and some reassurance, to be honest. I found myself on a schedule where I don't think I really missed much - since I wouldn't have been dating anyway, it's not like I missed out on my adolescence.
Bess
I’m not gonna be original. Don’t worry about what other people will want you to do and feel. Their expectations can't force you to do and feel any differently.
Tina
I would tell myself how to look on the internet without my mother knowing and set myself in the right direction for learning about queer stuff. If I had the time to explain some things to me, I definitely would. If not, then at least I would have the tools to learn. I might talk a bit about lovelessness and maybe ask questions that prompt an understanding of why the phrase “I love you” always felt so hollow. I might explain that I’m not evil or bad for not missing people. If I tried to explain everything that I know now, it would be too much, so I would have to be gentle.
Anon
Hey kid, that feeling in which you don't like boys or girls? That's real and not just because you're a kid. That's how you'll always feel. Just focus on making some friends and enjoy the good things in life.
Anon
I'd want to tell Baby Lee that trying to pretend to be something xe's not isn't going to make anybody happier with xem, and is just going to make xem miserable long-term.
Lee
Don’t come out until you’re ready. I’ve suffered from a lot of doubt after not being accepted, so I’d want to make sure I’m confident in my identity before trying to tell anyone. Because for most of us, we’ll have to give a vocabulary lesson too.
Ren
If you love someone, it doesn’t mean romance or dating.
Anon
I’d tell my past self about the aro label and tell her to just not date anyone. I’ve really only caused pain for those I dated in the past, so sparing them the hurt would be something I’d want to do.
Vic
You don't have to be romantic to make up for your asexuality. It does not make you broken to not get crushes or to not seek a relationship. A lot of people will assume it does, but they're wrong. Don't try and force it. Also, just because she's your best friend and you heard she has a crush on you, it does not mean you must have a crush on her in return. You do not have to initiate a romantic relationship.
Anon
stop pretending to like people it's okay if you don't, allow yourself to feel sexual attraction without romance, don't kiss people because they want you to you deserve to feel comfortable in your relationship as well
Casey
you weren't wrong rae. you are valid and you are amazing. aromanticism is valid. you will be very happy with your orientation later :)
Rae
It's okay to be alone, there's nothing wrong with being who you are, try to accept and understand that you're aromantic as soon as you discover the community
Anon
No one is entitled to your attraction. The people who can't respect 'no' don't deserve your 'yes'. It is possible to be happy without being "madly in love"; it is possible to love without the gooey feelings. You are not broken; you are whole just how you are.
Anon
That everything will be okay. Its okay to be aromantic and in some ways its beautiful because i have more time for me and for the things i enjoy
Shannon
Follow your own heart, and don't listen to those who insist you won't be complete without romance. They're wrong. You're perfect just as you are.
Iris
"You're not straight, and it's only not healthy to try to make yourself be straight. None of that stuff really matters. It's okay."
Anon
"Do not worry so much about relationships", "take more time for yourself", "stop forcing yourself to have crushes on people", and "you are not incomplete". "What society claims is not the full truth, there is beauty and strength in the special ways you love."
Magnus
You aren’t broken. You’re going to grow up, and you’re going to be loved, and you’re going to be okay.
Anon
Be content. You don’t need what other people think you do. You are already whole.
Anon
Being aromantic doesn’t mean that you are doomed to be lonely and miserable. It doesn’t mean somethings wrong with you.
Penelope Epple
Don't go making up crushes on people to fit in now coming out is gonna be a pain in the ass.
Nova
I would tell myself to research all of the different types of attraction.
@malloen8C
You are aromantic. You don’t feel romantic attraction and that is okay. You don’t have you have anxiety over trying to find a romantic partner. No more worrying about being around someone 24/7 and you have to enjoying being around. Don’t have to worry about the pomp and circumstance surrounding a wedding. Romance isn’t for you and you are valid. Spend time with friends and pursuing the things you love to do.
Anon
Don't be in a relationship, you are aromantic bish you will just be sad
Anon
"don't date, you're not missing on anything. and for the love of everything you love at the moment, don't let society fool you into believing every person interested romantically in you is "the one". god please, you're 12"
Anon
Being aromantic isn’t a bad thing and you aren’t broken, just because you don’t feel thing the same way as other people doesn’t mean you’ll be alone or unhappy, as long as you feel comfortable that’s all that matters
Anon
Tell your partners up front that you’re not looking for anything serious. Invest in your friendships. Don’t mistake kindness for flirtation, but also nip it in the bud whenever it seems like one of your friends wants to date you; it will cause you less trouble in the end.
Anon
despite what society tells you, lacking a romantic relationship doesn’t make you a sad worthless being. just focus on finding kind people and exploring yourself in every way you can. and stay away from dad as much as humanly possible
blur
do not start dating just because that's what's expected.
Anon
Don't forget about yourself. I went through a lot while putting others feelings before my own, especially relating to my aromantic identity. I was so convinced that I couldn't be aro because I wasn't asexual that I just shoved down all those feelings and forced myself into relationships. All that ended up accomplishing was getting me hurt over and over again.
Eldie Marriot
Be yourself, don’t let the pressure of the world get to you.
Anon
Don't be afraid to be yourself, and don't try and pretend to be something you're not!
Quoissant
If it involves being aro, I'd just tell myself the word sooner. I looked like a horny bastard for years
Daniel
Be patient while figuring out your identity. You will figure things out with time.
Danielle
I... probably wouldn't have anything to say? I never had any romantic relationship or any experience that turned bad because I didn't knew I was aromantic or asexual. If I discovered that when I was older (I am 21 currently), maybe it could have gone wrong if I tried to force myself into a relationship before, but I don't think I would have ever done that. Also, I don't think there's any bad experience I had that I wish I had avoided. Making mistakes only make us wiser.
Cleridwen
I would tell myself that I don’t need to follow societal norms, and it’s okay to explore my identity.
Liz
That not feeling the sane way towards romance and crushes as everyone else dose , is fine and that Dosen't make me broken
TNT
STOP DOUBTING YOURSELF YOU ARE NOT TOO YOUNG GET THE HELP YOU NEED NOW GET ON AVEN GET ON TUMBLR GET HELP FIGURE YOURSELF OUT YOU WILL BE OK
Aroacepizzaperson
Hahaha -- honestly, I'd probably tell myself about ace people who have sex so I could spend less of my young adult life thinking I was straight haha.
Aric
Honestly, romance isnt the one needing thing you need. It ain't for you.
Anon
"Take your time. Nothing bad will happen if you incorrectly identify - you have so much time and so many labels you don't know. Try it on, see if it works, it's okay if it doesn't! You have all the time in the world."
Roses
don’t try to force yourself to take steps you’re afraid of taking! you don’t need to make a massive leap of faith into the unknown to prove yourself, you're allowed to be comfortable with what you have.
Anon
Don't get into any romantic relationships, don't worry about romantic feelings because they're not gonna come
V
"actually go research aromanticism when your friend mentions it in yr 10, you forgetful butt. We could've figured this out years earlier."
Mirror
Don't listen to the therapist who says "you're only 15, there's no way you can possibly know your sexuality". You know yourself better than anyone, so don't let others tell you any different.
Anon
Probably something along the lines of 'hey kid, keep looking up your feelings & symptoms; you're a lot more stuff than just aromantic, and it's all just fine'. Man, I knew I was aro before I even knew what my gender was back then.
Mike
I would like to tell myself that there are different types of attraction and just because you like someone doesn't mean you're romantically attracted to that person. And it's okay if you don't feel that way. You don't only get fulfillment from romantic relationships.
Anon
Daydreaming about being in a monogamous relationship whilst being aromantic/asexual is perfectly fine. Just gotta take the time to find the people right for you and the type of relationship you seek.
Anon
It's okay to be aromantic, it's okay to not want to be with people in a romantic way, and it's okay to only feel sexual attraction
Anon
Trust yourself, you know the Love(TM) won't come, it has a name and a whole community is there for you
Anon
I never really struggled with unknowingly being aromantic when I was younger so I’d tell myself to just keep doing what I love and everything will be alright.
Avery
dont worry about relationships so much, soon enough youll realize you dont even care about those types of relationships
Anon
It wasn't your choice and it's not your fault.
Lemon
Hey maybe check out what romance is, because i know you don't know what that is, but you do not know that you don't know.
Becka
None really cuz I've always been very confident about my identity lol. Uhh idk, start making more aro characters sooner?? More rep baby
Anon
Focus on what kind of life you want to live, not what you think you have to do to be normal.
Anon
You are fine. This is who you are and its ok. There are a lot of people like you out there.
Ash
Don't feel bad about your attraction.
Tommy
I just want to make sure that i'm not broken for the feelings that i wasn't feeling and that it's fine and okay.
calictii
Stop pretending, you really don’t need to be in love of someone
Anon
Don't freak out and insult people who have crushes on you or anyone. Romance is not unnecessary drama, it is something essential for some people. You not wanting have relationships with the opposite sex is not a sign of sexism. People don't get married just to have kids. Don't give a fuck if someone says that you will change your mind.
Anon
Don't go to the prom night as a "couple", the discount really isn't worth it.
Samantha Black
There are plenty of people just like you! Just because your life's path might look a little different than others doesn't mean that no one will ever understand or accept you (and you should never date a Cishet White Politics Guy, seriously dude what were you thinking)
Hilt
Don't worry about crushes and feeling different. You'll figure it out eventually.
nemeacesis
i I'd go back to like, when I was 13 or whatever and be like "my sweet summer child you do not have to force yourself to have crushes on boys. you don't have to have crushed on anyone. you're good just the way you are. you'll make it. l love you"
Pike
Don't let society or your parents dictate who you should be and how you should act. Be yourself, and figure it out on your own as you go.
Anon
Don't worry about how you look and be more forward making friends with girls
Anon
I'd tell myself that adults may act like they know everything, but they actually have no clue. You know yourself better than anyone else.
Oscar
Don't be afraid to reach out and get involved in the aromantic community. Being aro in a romance-focused world can be lonely and alienating, but interacting with the aro community can bring comfort, help you learn more about yourself, and give you a space to express your aromanticism.
Anon
YOU HAVE NEVER HAD A CRUSH
Anon
You have other options. You don't have to force yourself into wanting what everyone around you seems to want, and that will just make you miserable in the long term. You can opt out, even if no one around you understands that choice.
Ellis
I don't know if I'd have anything to say. I like the experiences I had, the way I learned, all it. I don't know if I'd want to take that away from myself. I'd just tell them I'm proud of them, and that I believe in them, and that they're not alone.
Shadow
Don’t date a certain person (he ended being a rapist).
Anon
Don't force yourself to do anything you don't wanna do
Yamí
That my feelings are valid and there's nothing wrong with me
Hunter
Don’t date
Anon
Stop forcing yourself to be with people just because they're nice. You don’t love them the same way they love you.
Kristin
I would let myself know that I don’t have to be attracted to anyone because it took me way too long to figure that out for myself.
Anon
Don't be afraid to have the conversation and open yourself up to things.
Twelve
You're aromantic, but that's okay. You will still be happy. You will still find people who will be by your side. Your life is not missing a part. Instead, it has just become a different path. Happiness still lies ahead and it lives within you.
Kalla