Respect Among Peers
Written by the AUREA Team
Word count: 1194
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
We’ve talked previously about making assumptions and the harm that can cause. We’ve written about gaining recognition from the LGBTQIA+ community and have discussed how to increase aromantic representation. At the root of all these issues and indignities is, simply, communication.
In recent years the aromantic community has grown up a lot! Unfortunately, a lot of this growth has happened underneath the shadow of ace discourse, on top of all the usual trappings of bigotry queer people face. We’re at a disadvantage when it comes to community relations, as many queer people’s only introduction to aromantics is through that discourse. It gets worse when you find out most of them think aromanticism is under the asexual umbrella, an unfortunate piece of misinformation that is sadly still passed around today. How are we supposed to work with other communities for growth when all they know about us is misinformation and cruel rhetoric?
The obvious solution to that is we begin by correcting our public perception. When people get it wrong, we can correct them. But if we’re faced day in and day out with this sort of allyship, it becomes extremely exhausting. Why would we want to work with other branches of the LGBTQIA+ community when they’re still defining aromanticism as “no romantic attraction” and “basically asexual”?
Constructive criticism
Whether we like it or not, there is work that needs to be done and aros are the ones best suited for the job. We can say until we’re blue in the face that people who aren’t aro should be doing the legwork when it comes to educating themselves, (and this is true), but beyond an individual scale that simply isn’t likely to happen.
To make our lives easier, we’ve suggested a template you can follow on how to give constructive criticism. This formula can be used for anything from correcting big organisations that haven’t quite defined aromanticism accurately, to informing an individual that they’ve got some of their facts wrong.
The Feedback Sandwich
When correcting someone’s mistake, to stop them from getting defensive, give the Feedback Sandwich a try. This means saying something positive, giving them tips to improve, and then saying something positive once more. If this sounds like a process that involves a bit of babying, you’re probably right. However, for quick corrections this method is a good way to show it's not a personal attack, which is important, especially on the Internet where things tend to go downhill quickly.
We recently handled a correction ourselves, and are sharing our process here as an example of what we’re talking about. During the search for aromantic happenings for this month’s What’s Going On, we came across a poorly written description of ASAW in a list of worldwide LGBT community events. On one hand, in theory, it shouldn’t be hard for them to look up an accurate description. On the other hand however, it was extremely nice to see aros included on this list alongside the Stonewall Riots anniversary and World AIDS Day. These contradictory facts coexist together, as such things so often do. In our email we mentioned how we’re happy ASAW is included on this list! We rewrote the description of the event, as a suggestion to update their list. We then reiterated that we love that they’re sharing aromantic events and added that their archive is a great resource. Easy as that.
Perspective
We often talk about aros being tagged on the end of things as an afterthought. It is unfortunately often how we’re included. As disheartening as that is, there’s still something to work with there. A poorly thought out or misinformed inclusion is still an attempt at inclusion, its still an acknowledgement that we belong, and an opening for more. When people talk about us and get the info wrong, they’re still showing that they’re willing to be allies. Maybe all they need a nudge in the right direction.
It’s important to remember that these attempts are not malicious! This isn’t an us vs them scenario, but rather, a moment of education. Most people are more than happy to learn from aromantics, and are apologetic when they learn that they didn’t have things quite right.
If you have no patience for this kind of assistance, that’s understandable, because really, it's a tedious task. It takes a lot of time and energy to try and correct misinformation, especially in a patient, non combative way. If you’re struggling with it, feel free to send the problem our way, or pass the problem off to a friend (as long as you know that they’re up to it. Ask beforehand, maybe). We as individuals are faced with these recurring issues over and over and it’s not a recipe for patience. You can’t combat every instance of misinformation yourself, which leads us to the next part of these interactions.
Letting the issue drop
It can be easy to write off a whole group of people because a few instances with individuals haven’t gone so well. It’s difficult to put aside the history, and any personal history, of people being wrong or downright rude about aromantics. It can be easy to say “well I just won’t bother.”
There’s no reason to take up every fight, and that’s far too much for one person anyway. If you’re on social media and someone says something you don’t like, it’s more than okay not to press the issue. The point of community growth is that it happens as a community. Aromantics together can work to fix the misinformation and spread a better understanding about us as people. You’re not alone.
Internal Conflicts
Along with managing relations with other communities, these same rules apply to our own community. There are certain people you’re never going to agree with and others who you’ll never be able to work with. That’s just how it is. Unless what someone has said is truly unforgivable, there’s room for mistakes. There’s room for them to grow, just as there is and has been room for you to grow from your mistakes in the past. We want to show a united front to other communities as much as possible, but more importantly we should be a united front for ourselves.
Engagement
We, as a community, tend to ask that the rest of the LGBTQIA+ community let us in. They don’t necessarily shut us out on purpose, but we’re often easily forgotten. On the flipside of that, how can we make them remember us? One of the best ways to share positive representation is to show up. If you’re in LGBTQIA+ spaces as visibly aro, whether in public or on the Internet, you have the opportunity to introduce aromanticism by simply being yourself. Join a conversation and you’re automatically an expert.
We’ve all heard the adage: ‘respect is a two way street.” As it is we have an opportunity, from our semi invisible position, to choose who we work with and how to present our community. The LGBTQIA+ community won’t see us coming and we can take advantage of that. Pick your battles, think about how you’d prefer to be communicated with, and take care of yourself.