My Personal Experiences in the Aro Community

Written by Jason W. “Derelict.Spectre” for the March 2021 Carnival of Aros

Word count: 804 words
Estimated reading time: approx. 4 minutes

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I enjoy using labels for my identity, especially in regards to gender, sexuality, and romantic orientation. I am a trans man. I am an oriented aromantic asexual. I also consider myself T4T and open to being in a QPR as well as a romantic relationship. I have many flags under my belt, I collect them like they’re Pokemon cards. But first and foremost, before I even became aware of all of these labels that fit who I am as a person, I am Black. And, as a Black person, this is the first thing that people will know about me the moment they lay eyes on me. 

As a Black person, it’s imperative that I know that this will always be the first thing that people see about me, both because it’s quite obvious, but also because I must for my own survival. There are people who will see me, see that I am Black, and refuse to learn more about me then and there, which will become apparent with their sudden coldness or hostility. Some may see me as a threat, something to be eliminated. And that only gets amplified if they become aware of the fact that I am also queer. 

I’ve personally experienced and seen many forms of antiblackness, whether or not the perpetrator of that hate wanted to admit it or not. As allies, it is imperative that you become aware of the history behind the various forms of antiblackness around the world, as I have at such a young age, to adequately protect and defend your black siblings and friends. It’s not something as obvious as pure violence or hostile speech. It can be microaggressions as well. Little comments such as “You look like ‘x’ celebrity!” when the individual looks nothing like them, or maybe dumping issues on your black friend (especially if they’re female) like she’s your therapist without ever checking up on her or taking her own issues or mental health into account. Even little gestures such as this have a serious historical significance to them, and white supremacy over the years will ensure that these various institutions of violence are upkept by even both black and nonblack people alike, whether or not they become aware that they are perpetuating it. 

As an aromantic and an asexual, I can’t say that I’ve personally experienced any form of excessive violent antiblackness in the community, which is a good thing. Although, in the larger aro and ace spaces that I was active in, I couldn’t help but feel like I was a “token” in the community. I was especially active on Amino, which I felt was an excellent way to be part of the ace and aro communities in a more exclusive manner, however I eventually left due to this isolating feeling as well as other less relevant issues. I am unaware of any exclusive space for Black aros, however I believe the creation of one would be best for the safety and wellbeing of these members of our community. I remember seeing a post on Twitter that said something along the lines of “Being Black and LGBTQ+ is navigating through anti-Black LGBTQ+ spaces and anti LGBTQ+ Black spaces.” When you’re aro and/or ace, that further complicates the matter, especially with vehement anti-aspec rhetoric floating around the LGBTQ+ community, some of which I’ve also been confronted with personally, and the anti-LGBTQ+ and painfully amatonormative rhetoric floating around most Black spaces, which in my experience tied in with Christianity.  

I have also seen antiblackness being perpetuated by other members of both the ace and aro communities, and I’ve noticed a trend of the responsibility of holding these racist individuals accountable for their actions being thrusted upon black members, while the actions as perceived by white or other nonblack members largely go unchecked.This is unacceptable. We as a community need to become more anti-racist, as opposed to believing the false narrative that racism has “gotten better” or is nonexistent, which is the impression I get from many aros and aces alike in the spaces that I was previously active in. 

Being anti-racist is not a passive stance, but an active effort. As a community, we need to be aware of the additional pitfalls that other BIPOC aros experience for not only being LGBTQ+, but also people of color. It is important that our fellow white members of the aromantic community understand that as people of color, other hateful individuals will see our skin before they see our identities as LGBTQ+ people, and upon learning this about us, their hostility towards us may increase. As a mixed Black and South Asian aromantic, I implore all nonblack aros and even other members of the LGBTQ+ community to educate themselves on black history, and remember to listen, uplift, support, and protect your fellow black members of the LGBTQ+ community.

[Image description: The aromantic flag planted among a pile of rocks. Some are painted and some are left their natural grey. The hand painted rocks are covered in turtles, faces, various lined patterns, and a cactus.]