Managing Family Expectations
Written by the AUREA Team
Word count: 1662
Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
Family expectations - can’t live with them and can’t live without them apparently. Aros are not exempt from this. Holidays are notoriously the worst for dealing this trial, and being LGBTQIA+ adds a whole new layer. The dreams - and perhaps demands sometimes - from your family can twist and reform from an everyday undercurrent to a living breathing pressure that wears the face of all the relatives you rarely get to see. Whatever specific lifestyle your family is after for you, it can feel like their expectations set you up for failure. Here’s some advice on how to manage the struggle.
Self-worth
What you want and pursue is meant for you. You are good enough. Your pursuits are worthwhile. Your life is your life. You're the one who knows what is best for you.
All of this is true and simple statements like these are a good way to remind yourself why you’re fighting this fight. You’re being true to yourself. If affirming yourself is a skill you struggle with - and we all do from time to time - here is a simple guide on how to improve the way you talk to yourself.
The Family
Of course it isn’t usually the way we talk to ourselves that is the problem. Perhaps one of the worst things about family expectations is that they generally aren't malicious. These people, your loved ones, simply want what they think is best for you. They want you to be happy and successful. They also happen to be misguided.
Handling the perceptions that people create for us and press upon us can be an exhausting task. Although these expectations are generally good natured, they shouldn’t boil down to an awkward and uncomfortable experience. And yet they do.
Mental Prep
When facing the likelihood of being asked directly just how your expected life is going, it’s important to keep things in perspective before going in. Here are some exercises you can do before entering the scene:
Think about what you have accomplished in the past year. Think about the journey you are on and what that means for you. Just how is the life you’re leading going?
Plan something to look forward to. Whether that means a fun activity with your family, a certain dessert, or a relaxing interlude, make it happen. Dread the bad and anticipate the good, together.
These expectations can be big things. They can loom over us and cast a dark shadow. That doesn’t mean they’ll taint the entire time, you’ll get breathers. Trust that you will have time to breathe. Seeing your family won’t be all fun and games and neither will it be a complete horror show.
Guarantee yourself a quiet place. You can always disappear into a book, play yourself some distracting music, and/or find a location with little traffic. You don’t need to be switched on the entire time. Take short breaks for balance.
Prepare to vent. Ready the group chat, find an ally within the family, or open the notes app on your phone. You don’t have to do this alone. You might not be able to say everything you want to to your family, but you don’t have to hold it inside either.
The Game Plan
How do you want to tackle the expectations? Is the best way to handle them avoidance or communication? Is there any way it could ever be that simple?
Breaking Expectations
If now is the time, if you feel safe, if it needs to be done, here are some ways to make this conversation easier on yourself.
Timing is everything. There is a good reason plenty of people come out in cars. It’s a controlled environment with an endpoint in sight. You want to choose a time when people are in a good mood, nothing stressful is on the horizon, and there are no distractions. It’s not recommended that this be done to more than one or two people, because having to address all their responses can quickly become overwhelming.
Open this conversation by stating what this is and what you want from this. “I need to talk to you about something important and I need you to listen to everything I have to say before you ask any questions.” Wait for them to agree. If they don’t stick to these guidelines, a simple: “please listen” or “let me finish first” work nicely.
Focus on non-accusatory statements and emotions. “I feel like…” rather than “You make me…” It may feel as though you are softening the blow on this, but it’s the blowback you’re really working on. When breaking expectations, you’re asking your family to consider something new. You’re asking them to change the way they perceive you and that’s going to be easier for everyone involved if they feel like they don’t have to defend themselves. Hopefully they will be giving you the same consideration you’re giving them.
If you need to, give them some space and time to think. Keep things simple and don’t be afraid to repeat what this means to you. “You don’t have to respond immediately, think it over. This is important to me.”
There’s no way to guarantee a conversation like this will go well, but hopefully you can minimize how difficult the fallout is. At the very least, once you have expressed discontent with an expectation you’ll truly find out how much your family values that idea. From there, it is a matter of continuing this conversation and stating that this expectation isn’t for you.
Avoiding the Issue
For all the trouble that family expectations are, at the very least they can be predictable. If you’ve got a job, you’re going to get asked how that’s going. If you’re in university, you’re going to get asked where that’s going. And if you’re single, you’re going to get asked if you’re seeing anyone. If you’re partnered, it’s “when’s the wedding?” or “when are you having kids?” You can use this.
When you get caught, know what you’re going to say. If you intend to avoid a line of conversation, look at who you’re talking to. For relatives you don’t see often, small talk can be easily redirected. Let them ask their question and give a simple, positive answer to begin with, something like ‘things are good’ or ‘I can’t complain’. To keep back the tension that these expectations create you need to appear open to the topic.
Next, make it personal. Drop a more specific line about something you’ve been doing recently. A safe way to go about this is to express relief over completing something. If you’re studying, talk about how you just handed in an assignment in or finished a test you’d been studying for. If it’s about your job, say it’s nice to have this break or talk about a recent success. People generally don’t expect or want elaborations on these kinds of things.
If you get the age old question: “are you seeing someone?” (though usually more explicitly gendered), relief probably isn’t the way to go on this one. Keep things relaxed, saying ‘nah’ or ‘nope’ instead of a flat ‘no’ shows your ease with the situation. “If I were, they’d be here!” or “Not that I know of” are light, fun ways to respond. If you’re asked about when “the” wedding is or your future children, remain responsive whether you have plans for them or not. “We’ll know when the time is right.” or “When it happens, you’ll be the first to know!” are vague responses that can easily be read as positive. People may want you to elaborate on these topics, but here’s where the misdirection comes in.
You’ve been asked a question, they’re expecting an answer. You are now in control of the conversation. Say your couple of lines and then simply ask: “What about you? What have you been up to?” Get them talking and keep them talking until the subject changes or you can safely sneak away. Rinse and repeat!
If this tactic fails then having a job that you need to attend to, like cooking something or prepping for a family activity for later are solid excuses to say: “I just need to go check on this, I’ll be back.” And when you’re forced to return, take charge of that conversation. These sort of avoidance techniques will work on close family members to a point, but they may feel comfortable pushing you for more information. Think about what it is they want to hear and reassure them that their expectations are in the works. Avoid outright lying, but don’t be afraid to give them the impression everything is as they expect.
It is our hope that these expectations are something you can one day talk about safely with your family, but if they aren’t, then remember they have put you in this situation. How you navigate it will be messy business no matter what. Take care of yourself.
Bonus Round
What is your relationship with the word ‘no’? For many people, they are terrified of the statement. Others, intrigued. Family expectations are often a hard no that cannot be voiced. This is the deep end of the pool. If you struggle telling people ‘no’, then taking some time to practice in the shallow end can boost your confidence down the line. Here are some tips on practising this skill. Just remember, it’s okay to say no.
What to Expect
Expect expectations to be difficult, but manageable. You’ve likely done this song and dance dozens of times. You know how this goes. Focus on self care above all else. The expectation that is looming over you has been pushed unthinkingly upon you without your say so. In response, however you deal with your struggles, you should think of yourself and take care of your needs. Soon you’ll be out of the line of fire and back in the trenches. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.