What do you mean by platonic?
Written by the AUREA team
Word count: 1311 words
Estimated reading time: approx. 6 minutes
There are certain words we throw around often in the aromantic community that are integral to understanding one another. We are an arguably jargon heavy community, and to prove it, just check out our Glossary at the top of the page. You’ll see there’s a lot going on. It’s not expected that you’ve memorised EVERY term in detail, or even at all, but there are certain terms and concepts that people will use under the assumption you already know what they’re saying.
The question is, do we?
Defining Platonic
Let’s start simple. Google defines ‘platonic’ as:
(of love or friendship) intimate and affectionate but not sexual
But does everyone agree with that? Do you agree with that?
Love, as it is used here by Google, would mean that romantic love, minus sex, would therefore be a platonic relationship. Do you agree?
This definition means that friendship should mean ‘sex included’, unless it’s explicitly stated ‘this relationship is platonic’. Do you agree?
By this logic, every friendship should be intimate and affectionate. Do you agree?
Google defines ‘love’ as ‘an intense feeling of deep affection’ or ‘a great interest or pleasure in something’. There is no qualifier of romance, family, or a human to human connection. It defines ‘friendship’ as ‘the emotions of conduct of friends; the state of being friends’.
Both definitions have a certain amount of ambiguity, and, to be fair, the definition of such concepts should be ambiguous. They are deeply personal, and not everywhere experiences or views them the same way. But Google does not afford this courtesy to its definition of platonic.
Now, let’s go back to the beginning.
The history of
The term is borne of Plato, an ancient Greek philosopher. He writes the Symposium - a fictional piece set during the drunk conversation that naturally followed a banquet. The various attendee’s task is to give a speech in praise of Eros, the god of love and desire. Within the discussion that follows, the character Socrates describes a spiritual ascent that begins as a base desire and transforms into appreciation of a concept.
Juliet Lapidos summarizes: Love of a beautiful body >> love for all beautiful bodies >> love for the beauty of laws >> love for the beauty of knowledge >> and the love of Beauty itself.
In the 15th century, Florentine scholar Marsilio Ficino coined the term ‘amor platonicus’ - platonic love. It is because of the journey above that he uses the term ‘platonic’, named for Plato. Interpretation and translation follow as is expected. A more detailed timeline can be found in Lapidos’s article, however the full evolution will always remain a mystery.
In time, Plato’s religious conversation becomes less divine and more earthly. The spirituality mentioned in platonic love becomes ‘not physical’.
And in the present, ‘not physical’ has come to mean ‘no sex’.
Evolution
It comes to no surprise that language evolves over time. We use words as we need them. There are comparitably few people in the world who need to discuss romantic relationships that are without sex and the colloquial definition of platonic reflects that. Whether that is ‘just friends’ or ‘sex without romance’.
Plato’s Symposium discusses love in terms of sexual relationships and the discussion is had by men who engage in same sex relationships. Tom Reeser, in his study Setting Plato Straight: Translating Platonic Sexuality in the Renaissance, notes that the original sentiment twisted into not only nonsexual love, but also romantic heterosexual love.
We lost a quest for Beauty that grew from the love between queer men and gained the word platonic. Fortunately, the queer community is involved once more.
What do we do with the word?
Within the aromantic community, you will more often (though not exclusively) see ‘platonic’ used in terms of attraction. ‘Platonic’ is an awkward word to use as a relationship descriptor when ‘friendship’, with all its warm fuzzy feelings, already exists. This is seen outside our community also. It’s rare for the people to describe a relationship as platonic, unless doubts have been thrown. That tends to be when phrases like ‘strictly platonic’, ‘entirely platonic’, and ‘purely platonic’ appear. “There’s nothing more to see here,” they say.
Here at AUREA we define platonic attraction as:
An interest or desire for friendship or other close relationship with a particular person. Most often, this relationship is non-romantic and non-sexual, but this can vary depending on the person.
This definition we’ve put together is based on what has been observed within the aromantic community. It reflects how we use the word ‘platonic’. Our emphasis lies with the ‘attraction’ - we’re drawn to someone, we’re looking to make a connection. Google’s definition of ‘platonic’ that we looked at previously is much more interested in describing how people are already connected.
Further exploration
The a-spec community has taken platonic attraction and given that feeling name: a squish. There is recognition here that like with romantic relationships - crushes - people can have notable feelings toward others no matter the kind of relationship desired. We say it’s valuable and worthwhile to name this feeling.
Queerplatonic attractions and relationships obviously grew and evolved from the same platonic root.
AUREA defines queerplatonic as:
A committed non-romantic relationship that goes beyond what is the subjective cultural norm for a friendship. Levels of intimacy and/or behaviors between the partners involved often don’t fit the conventional standards set by society. Some QPRs can include sex and elements that are generally considered romantic. In practice every queerplatonic relationship is different. Abbreviated to QPR, and queerplatonic (quasiplatonic) partner to QPP. Another common word for QPP used to be zucchini.
Curiously Google’s definition - intimate and affectionate but not sexual - for platonic is far more accurate to how a-spec people often talk about their individual QPRs.
The confusion surrounding the definition of platonic has extended into its opposite: aplatonic. With the aromantic community discussing platonic in terms of attraction, it then follows that aplatonic people feel little to no platonic attraction. By our definition, they then rarely feel the interest or desire to befriend others. This does not, however, mean they do not have platonic relationships in their lives.
Platonic as they know it
Its been proven over and over in queer communities that vague definitions are useful. The term platonic has been used the world over, regardless of language. As our community grows, how will our own uses of platonic fare against the allo world’s various definitions of platonic?
If there is confusion surrounding the world platonic, what does queerplatonic mean?
Would people say queerplatonic ‘is just friendship’ if it didn’t have the word ‘platonic’ in it?
Is there a need for people to ID as aplatonic outside the community if outside the community people are not using the phrase ‘platonic attraction’?
(On a side note, the Aromantic FAQ page on the AVEN wiki uses the relationship between a mother and child as an example of platonic love.)
Do these questions even need to be asked, or answered?
These questions crop up within the community just as much as outside it. Some recent examples ask do people consider ‘platonic relationship’ and ‘friendship’ synonyms and whether platonic is even a word worth keeping around because of the confusion. Here at AUREA we use platonic relationship and friendship as synonyms, but should we? What are we saying when we do? Our own Editor has decided to stop using the word platonic in contrast to romantic altogether in her personal life, as she can’t know how people will interpret the word.
If anything has been made clear from this review of the word platonic, it's that while vague definitions can be useful, sometimes it is important to clarify things. Sometimes your personal definition won’t match someone else’s, or the word may have a more common usage. It’s fine if your definition doesn’t match up with another’s, but make sure, if discussing a concept and/or term, that everyone is aware of that. This will help to avoid miscommunication. It’s in ways like this that terms and concepts evolve, and this is how you become part of that evolution.