Amatonormativity 101
Written by the AUREA Team
Word count: 1247 words
Estimated reading time: approx. 6 minutes
Ever noticed that romantic relationships get priority over friendships? Ever seen people pointed out and been told that they’re “just friends”, or “more than friends”? That “single” means “for now” and is met with such sentiment as “oh poor you”? How often have you heard someone say “I know I’m not happy in this relationship, but I’m going to stay anyway.”? How many times have you heard someone joke about getting married for tax benefits? Realised that to max a relationship with a video game character you have to date them? Have you heard polyamory discussed in tones of deep suspicion, disgust, and concern? Do your parents ask if you’re seeing anyone, no matter your established interests or current situation? That celebrities can be monsters or saints, but who cares when we can talk about who they’re dating, or not, instead? That not feeling romantic love has certain doctor’s extremely worried for your mental health? The assumption that “Well you’re gay and my friend is gay so you’re perfect for each other!”? When you’re first introduced to someone how soon do they ask: are you in a relationship?
This is amatonormativity.
The term was coined by the academic Elizabeth Brake, she wrote Minimizing Marriage when she realised she was suffering under the weight of an expectation.
Amatonormativity is the assumption that a central, exclusive, romantic relationship is normal for humans, and is a universally shared goal.
What’s to be expected?
No matter what you want or who you are, amatonormativity is harmful. Even if you are looking for an exclusive romantic relationship that will be held above all else, amatonormativity tells you that it has to be done a certain way. It needs to happen in your 30s at the latest, marriage (and often children) are expected, and it's going to last forever. Divorce and couples counseling are viewed as inherently bad, rather than sensible decisions and methods of communication.
Not only are people in Western society expected to have a certain type of relationship, it has to be perfect.
And for the people who want anything that differs from the expectation, you’re doing to be punished for it. People are going to question you, tell you maybe you don’t know what you want and pressure you to “just live like everyone else please”.
Support systems are threatened when you don’t conform to the norm. Families and friends can get annoyed or confused if you don’t marry, the legal system discriminates against you more, government or work benefits increase for those with a partner. All of these areas of life assume that you will marry.
Much of amatonormativity comes hand in hand with heteronormativity, cisnormativity, and mononormativity. That is your relationship with be with the “opposite” sex, neither you nor your partner will be trans and/or nobinary, and you will be in a relationship with “The One”. Amatonormativity states that there is no agency in a romantic relationship. While amatonormativity can adapt to fit your queer romantic orientation and non-cis binary gender, its not going to be kind about it. You’re still expected to marry, it's still going to last forever, and it will try and force you to be as palatable as you possibly can.
Who needs to be happy?
Amatonormativity asks us to ignore the negatives, the hiccups, and the moments of contention. If you feel like you don’t fit the framework, then you’re the problem and you need to try harder. Either start dating, settle down, or accept that your romantic relationship is what it is. Divorcee’s are viewed as failures, no matter the cause. If you’re in couples counselling, then divorce is on the horizon, i.e. your relationship is failing.
Talking about what you want is greatly discouraged by amatonormativity. It makes assumptions, lays out a timeline for relationships. Instead of a frank discussion about what you and your partner want from your future, you might end up with a proposal you were not prepared for, and that you are expected to say yes to, because everyone wants to commit right?. “Surprise! Spend your life with me? I expect you’ll say yes because we’ve been together for a while.” The length of time is also extremely relative, “a while” can be less than a year for some.
The idea that a person can’t be happy without a normative relationship is a pervasive belief. The phrases “getting back on the (dating) horse”, or “there’s plenty of fish in the sea’ are common ones. Teenagers are expected to date, even laughed at for being single. In this day and age, if by some miracle you manage to have your dream job, a house, loving family and perhaps pets, it’s not enough if you’re by yourself. You need a romantic partner to be happy.
Amatonormativity and aros
Amatonormativity asks the same of every individual. Aros are most likely to spurn what is being asked of us, but we share the same pressures and expectations as people who aren’t aro. Our identities can open our eyes to the problems of amatonormativity, forcing us to examine ourselves. This can be a boon, as we are more likely to know what we want from life, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Dealing with these issues will always be a challenge.
How many of us don’t come out as aromantic but stay hidden behind other LGBTQ+ labels or heteronormative assumptions because taking romance completely off the table is often met with resistance?
There is a possibility that when aros and aces say “I don’t want a relationship and/or sex” and people with respond with “no one cares that you don’t want to date or have sex”, that this silencing tactic is related to the amatonormative expectation. If you aren’t going to conform, you’re at least going to be quiet about it.
You wouldn’t want to go giving people ideas now, would you?
What’s to be done?
Amatonormativity is alive and well in the minds of every Western individual. To combat such an intrinsic part of life both self-reflection and social change must occur.
The best place to start is with yourself: think about what you want out of life and why. Do you want what we’ve been told to want? If you do, how exactly do you want it to play out? Talk to your romantic partner/s and understand what their expectations and desires are. If you don’t, try and figure out what you do want. What your life goals and expectations look like without the oppressive ideals of amatonormativity looming over you.
It can be helpful to educate yourself on aromantic and polyamorous issues, and look into relationship anarchy. Be aware that, while largely opposed to certain amatonormative ideals, some polyamorous communities can double down harder on others to make up for it. It is a rare space that is completely free of amatonormativity.
Elizabeth Brake reminds us that much of the stigma surrounding amatonormativity comes institutionally, particularly surrounding marriage. Both laws and morals are designed to force individuals into partnered relationships. There are no equal legal protections to that of marriage, no benefits financial or social that can compare. As long as marriage is seen as the pinnacle of relationships legally, there’s no reason for people to stop believing that socially. When gay marriage was legalised across several western countries, many people brushed off their hands and said job well done. This is amatonormativity. There’s always more to be done politically.
The Latin root “amato” means beloved. It’s important to recognise that no matter what amatonormativity tells us, what we deem beloved isn’t restricted to social expectation and is undeniably valuable.
Further readings: